June 22nd, 2008by Vicky · 1 Comment
Another joke from my sister that teaches, be careful what you wish for. 
The Wedding Fairy
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”
The wife answered, “Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling, husband.”
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I.”
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish, so the fairy waved her magic wand and poof…the husband became 92 years old!
The moral of this story: men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.
Tags: Tags: couple, fairy, hat, joke, male, man, men, romantic, wedding
June 4th, 2008by Vicky · No Comments
My sister sent this in the mail to me, made me laugh, hope it does you too.
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50 birthday. She
spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On
her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind
my asking, but how old do you think I am?’ ‘About 32,’ is
the reply.’ ..’Nope! I’m exactly 50′, the woman says
happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and
asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl
replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’…..The woman replies with a
big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in
a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to
the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ ….Again she
proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting next to her the same question. He replies,
‘Lady, I’m 78 years old and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell
how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires
you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only
then, can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in
silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best
of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hand under her blouse and begins to feel
around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each
breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her
breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay….How old
am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes
his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed,
the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’
‘I promise I won’t’ she says. …….
‘I was standing behind you at McDonald’s.’
Tags: Tags: couple, facelift, hat, joke, man
June 1st, 2008by Vicky · No Comments
My sister sent me this, and I found it funny as hell. Isn’t this so very typical?
Last night my wife and I were sitting in the den and I said to her,
“I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of
life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer.
She’s such a bitch.
Tags: Tags: beer, hat, joke, Jokes
May 5th, 2008by Vicky · No Comments
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are “Snowbirds” in Arizona.
Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some
on sale at WalMart, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
He saunters into the house and says to his wife,
“Notice anything Different about me?”
Bessie looks him over and says, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the room, completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asks, a little louder this time,
“Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?”
Bessie looks up and says,
“Ray, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down
yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Ray yells,
“AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE ?
IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!”
To which Bessie replies,
“Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat.”
Tags: Tags: boots, couple, cowboy, hat, joke, men
